Requiem

[Mr. Peanut Butter]

I'll make this as brief as possible because I am very tired.

 

Today will likely be the last time you ever hear from me. There is something broken inside me, and it can't be fixed. There is no cure. I'm tired of letting myself damage everything I go near, and I'm tired of everything damaging me. Not just in the game. My life is a huge mess that can't be cleaned up. Every time I try it just gets twice as messy. I can't handle the stress anymore. I can barely take care of myself, I have no business trying to help people anymore. I'm falling apart day by day and so is my entire life and existence. And games are supposed to be fun and enjoyable, and this one just isn't anymore. A lot of people besides just me have noticed this. All it's doing is exacerbating the problem and making it harder to deal with. I thought I would be glad to be back, interacting with this community. But this community is different now and it doesn't want me anymore. I could barely handle a few people late at night when not that much was going on. I imagine that a server with 60-90 people could have serious consequences for me at this point if I can't even handle a few of them. I was reported earlier this morning and this one little thing turned into something so massive that caused me to type for 3 hours straight just to defend myself over these menial little actions because I thought if I didn't that the report would quickly sway against me, and I was too stubborn to allow it. I did well I think. However, it mentally drained me and caused me severe pain in my brain and through my whole body that I spent the next 6 hours after that desperately trying to feel better. If something as small as this can do that to me, I'm very concerned what would happen if a bigger problem comes my way on here, and I'm extremely worried what will happen to me out here in the real world next time I have a serious real life issue that is way way more intense than anything on here. I can't do it anymore. I will miss it dearly, as this is one of the only things I'm truly good at is investigating and handling problems. I have done it half my life for Anonymous and wore myself out, and now after a year of being Staff here on top of that, its just too much. I can't do it. I'm officially giving up on myself. I've lost all hope. My little break didn't do anything for me. I didn't fix anything and it's clear now that I never will. There is no solution to this. This is my gift and my burden. Very good at taking care of others, but horrible at taking care of myself. This is why I can never be an Admin, I've come to realize. And it's also why I can never fulfill my dream of one day being a cop and detective. I'm good, but I'm just never gonna be good enough for all the people I need to be good for. And I will never be good enough for myself, especially as I continue to deteriorate mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm broken and I can't be fixed. And no one can help me. I don't even think anyone wants to try anymore either, so why should I? I'm sorry to everyone for letting you down. I let myself down more than anyone. It's time for me to go now. I'm so sorry.

 

I will be on the server one last time tonight, sitting in my hobo box, listening to music with the crowd, singing along to songs I love, letting people request songs, all while I drink away my pain in the background. At least in my box I won't be able to hurt anyone else. And then when the fun is over, I will be gone and you will never have to deal with me, my words, or my actions ever again.

 

I wish you all peace and fortune in all your future endeavors. Do better than I did. And don't try to be a hero. It's not fun. Ignorance is bliss, remember that. The further you go into the rabbit hole, the darker it gets. Stay away from forbidden knowledge. And lastly, just be good to each other. You gotta stop bickering at each other over shit so much. Be kind to each other. There are many fates worse than yours. Like mine. Peace.

 

-Anubis AKA Dima Kirnov AKA Mentor Peanut Butter AKA like 40 names you don't know, or didn't know that you did.

[Gent]

Ignorance is indeed bliss, good luck my friend

[The Herbalist]

I'll be there for the music party.

[Lord Cursed]

We are all human after all, and unfortunately our mind can only take so much you're always welcomed to join me on the ttt server I told you about

[Maverick]

r i p

[Panduh]

Good luck.

[Vaporeonn]

Dude don’t leave you’re the only person other than Walter on the server that I look up to. Everyone can change, I used to literally come on this server just to hurt people’s feelings, I was a minge. But then I started taking it serious. You can do it man. You can do whatever you put your mind to. And if this is the last time for you, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Goodbye friend. Hope to see you again some day.

[Umbak Klak]

Another friend lost.

 

Good luck...

[Makoto]

Holy shit. It really sucks to see you go. You've been around since forever. As for what's going on........ everything lasts for a time. Nothing lasts forever. The light will eventually show up at the end of the tunnel.

[Speedy Rebel]

You were the first friend I made on titsrp and it is extremely sad to see you leave hope all goes well for you peanut you were a great friend and a great staff see you around buddy